So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
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The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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