Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i was born a porn star she said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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