My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I AM VODKA MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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