the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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