you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
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I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
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no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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