Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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