1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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