You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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