if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
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Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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