I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
as a side note pls kill me
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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