i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize