If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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