Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
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I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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