Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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