3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
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