Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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