I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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