Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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