he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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