You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
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I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
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"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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