Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
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I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
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Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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