he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
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Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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