He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
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My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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