I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
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It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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