I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize