Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
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it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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