I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize