it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize