Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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