you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize