I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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