is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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