We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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