People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
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he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
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I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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