Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
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This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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