You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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