I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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