I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
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My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
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The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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