She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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