the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
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My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
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Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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