Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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