If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize