He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
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no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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