girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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