Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
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Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
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LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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