If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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