I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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