pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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