He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
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Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize