Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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